Motherhood

Motherhood

Don’t know her age. Her name. Her life. Her circumstance. Left me on the doorsteps of a Korean orphanage at two weeks, note attached with my name; Lee, Young Sook. Adoptive American mother. Grew up with the distinct knowledge that this woman disliked me. Always in competition. Vying for the attention of the head of the household. First born child. Chose to relinquish full custody at age three. Haven’t seen him since. Four unborn babies. Lost to sin and sorrow….

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Mental Health

Mental Health

Recognizing that we are in a global pandemic, I accept that the priority is not my mental health. That being said, being locked up in a hotel room for the last seven days has re-traumatized my soul. Grew up under a heavy handed Father figure. My whereabouts were always accounted for. At 17 years old, after a failed suicide attempt I landed in a psych ward, against my will. 18 years old, after stealing Father’s credit cards, locked up in…

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Normal

Normal

Fear. Of being accosted. Real fear. For my daughter. Racist encounters every week. Folks refusing service, for fear of being contaminated. It’s become the norm. What the hell? How is it that this is now the norm? A young woman working in a coffee house is mistreated with regularity because of the shape of her eyes. Encountering racism is expected every week. It’s the norm. Trump dehumanized Asians. He used racial slurs with relentless consistency. He made sure the current…

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Chronic

Chronic

Living with chronic pain. In a word, exhausting. As each hour progresses, energy diminishes. For work. Laughter. And play. Its looming presence relentlessly induces pressure. No relief. I cannot walk without electricity. How I miss walking. Listening to music. Praying to Abba. Catching up with sisters. Rather than pray, I concentrate on the physicality of the pain. What I can no longer do. Everything I am missing out on. Lord God in heaven. Thank you for revealing your will. May…

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Poetic Pain

Poetic Pain

Two weeks Abandoned Orphanage footsteps Unwanted 17 years old Disowned Adoptive family Unloved 25 years married Dropped by in-laws Racism Bigotry Only son Only grandchild Dismissed Discarded Speaking truth In love Not accepted Rejected Hate Judgement No legacy Deep wounds Forgiveness Rather be right Than reconcile Alone Where’s God He’s central Reunited In heaven Or will we Many will call out He will say He does not know us Reality Loss Hurt Anger Silent Sorrow Ardent Ache

Wisdom versus vanity…

Wisdom versus vanity…

What is it like to once be hot, and then not. Yep, it was asked. Used to purge everything to weigh in at a slim size 8. Have walked for 25 years 5-6 days a week for at least 4 miles a day. Keep my food down now. Have for quite some time. Made the conscious decision to not turn out like some fellow aging bulimics. Have arthritis in both knees. Hurts to walk from car to building. Have gained…

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Scars

Scars

What are those scars from? The only ones that folks can see. On my neck. The knife cut just deep enough. Scars throughout. My head. My chest. My neck. Scars. Where did they come from? My girlfriend asked. I do not remember. I refuse to hold memory of when it happened. How it happened. When my fingers run across the toughness of the scars on the back of my head, I wonder sometimes. How did this happen? And then I…

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Why White’s Only?

Why White’s Only?

This is a series of questions pertaining to my experience in the western US. Why is our entire cabinet one white non-color? Why have the last four territorial leaders been white males? Why have all my DCs, with the exception of one, been white? Why have ALL the Generals been white (only two women) in over 155 years? Why white’s only? How is it that out of all the diverse officers we have, for the most part, only the white…

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Romans 12:12

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 Been my life verse for Officership thus far. Need it now more than ever. To be joyful in hope right now? A challenge to be sure. Yet I am confident that my hope rests in Christ Jesus. His sacrifice on the cross, paid the price for our salvation. I rest in the hope that this life is temporary. Life after earth will be with God Himself. Patient…

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Beginning of the end…

Beginning of the end…

Love walking. Have for 25 years. Lots of terrain. Mountains of Lake Arrowhead. Suburbs of the South Bay. Beach bluffs of Palos Verdes. I have walked for most of my adult life. Walking has been filled with miles of music, prayer, beauty, angst, and creative energy. It has empowered and strengthened. It has taken me to places figuratively and literally. Recently diagnosed with arthritic pain in my knees. It now hurts to walk. And I am deeply sad. Sad that…

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