A colorful past some would say. Worked for universities and art schools…as a nude model. Entertained many to my liking, mostly men. Saw nothing wrong with it, didn’t know Christ or God for that matter.
Met a 26 year old virgin. Literally didn’t know any other young adults that were not sexually active. A virgin? Thought it was a line. Turned out to be true. He learned from his father’s sins and opted for purity and monogamy. Surely, a man to marry. And we did just that. The ceremony was private. The vows were sacred.
Nine years into it, my mind began to stray. Preliminarily accepted into seminary, I slipped. Stepped back into my sin, betraying my beloved.
For the first week, no guilt. Just like old times. Second week, a day before my birthday. Sitting in the kitchen, God’s Holy Spirit was upon me. “You are mine.” And I knew. That evening I confessed everything to my husband. He never left.
Everything changed. We moved to the mountains and drew closer to God, therefore one another. Months of healing and restoration.
Psalm 51 became my own. Many a morning spent on my knees crying out to The Lord David’s words of remorse and contrition. My actions affected others. Even though I lived with the mindset that I was on my own, I in fact was not an island.
Took us 7 years to get to a place of solid trust again. Totally worth it. Walked through Christian marriage counseling together. Saturated our days in scripture. Chloe was in AWANA, something that the family fully adopted. God’s Word was woven throughout our week.
Brutal honesty. My weakness was vanity and men. I had historically known worth through the power of seduction. Taught at a very young age.
I recall being tempted a few years back. Husband and I were at a place where we could acknowledge this and address it head on. My beloved did just that. He reminded me that I would grow old, heavier, whatever. My outward beauty was fleeting. His love for me was not. He said to me, “I will still adore you.”
And today, I hear his words of truth. And he does still love me. I am growing older. Playing the role of mother and mentor nowadays. This season is difficult in some ways, and freeing in so many others.
I am overweight right now. I have age spots and greying hair. The power to seduce is about 50 lbs out of reach, and 25 years past my prime. My 20 year old daughter saw a picture of me 15 years ago. She grabbed the photo in disbelief. Being raised to focus on outward beauty first, left me confused about self worth and true identity.
Marriage is till death do us part. This man loves me for more than my outward appearance. He has fallen for me as a person. My inner value. My thoughts and opinions matter to him. I matter to him.
And why? Because I am still a size 6? Hardly. More like 14 these days. Because he genuinely loves me as I am. No matter how old I am. No matter how much I weigh.
My husband has always represented the love of Christ to me. Christ pursued me in whatever state I was in. And God gifted me with a partner that exemplifies that very Christlike love. I am richly blessed.