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Month: September 2020

Scars

Scars

What are those scars from? The only ones that folks can see. On my neck. The knife cut just deep enough. Scars throughout. My head. My chest. My neck. Scars.

Where did they come from? My girlfriend asked. I do not remember. I refuse to hold memory of when it happened. How it happened.

When my fingers run across the toughness of the scars on the back of my head, I wonder sometimes. How did this happen? And then I am reminded that God protected me from the details. From the memory of my predator and the abuse.

I believe someone did something to me. At a young age. I do not know why it was done. But I believe God was with me through it all.

Things I do remember. Being beaten. Being choked out. Having my arms squeezed to the point of bruising in the shape of hands; searing pain. It was white hot. Still remember it to this day.

My warden was wholly invested. Over the top controlling. Had to know my whereabouts every second of the day. Needed to possess complete control.

Ironic being the object of obsession, while remaining the black sheep. Never really fit in. Always on the outside. Grew up knowing that I wasn’t truly loved. Do you know what that’s like? Being an adolescent with the knowledge that you are not truly accepted. It leaves a void; emptiness.

Do I believe something was done to me? Yes. I do. Do I fully recall? No I do not. I remember being frozen, unable to move. Pinned down, staring at the ceiling. Immobilized and paralyzed. Until I wasn’t. It became a normal occurrence. Simply got used to it.

Where was God during all of this? Right there with me. He has protected me from the vivid memories. Much of the pain. Only glimpses of violence and oppression. The scars remain. They remind me of what was survived. What God brought me through.

I was not loved. I was easily discarded once I found my voice and spoke out. Frequently reminded who put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my mouth. Forever indebted.

Yet, now with hindsight I see my Heavenly Father. I see how I have always been chosen by God. Unconditionally loved by The Lord. Redeemed through Christ’s selfless sacrifice. A beloved daughter of Yahweh. This I know to be true. And this I will forever remember.